I miss my group therapy in Phoenix and since it was free, paid for by the gambling Casinos who had to agree to this in order to set up their Indian Tribes Casinos in Phoenix. They knew they were going to make a lot more money than therapy costs...and it costs a lot. I blamed my gambling on them just to give therapy a try. They didn't know I started gambling clear back in the 70's when Bukowski and I used to head for the track. There is nothing like a horse running down the track to the finish line to make your forget the miseries in the world. I was the only "action" gambler. The other girls just sit with a one armed bandit and got robbed. Our therapist said action gamblers are the hardest to cure. They just need that action. If I wasn't so old maybe I could convert the action to running or skiing or something else to get my adrenalin rush. I would have been alright it they hadn't opened off-track betting right next to my house.
My therapist didn't say much, just listened. In fact, I was getting tired of driving all the way to Scottsdale just to entertain her with my stories. The Indians didn't pay for my gas. I often went from therapy to catch a couple of races. She knew and I knew I was never going to stop going to "off-track" two blocks from my house. She encourage me to go to San Francisco...someplace she has always wanted to live. She loved my poetry...Here I am. It's hard to believe I been here almost a year.
I didn't loose my house over just gambling. I guess it started when I wanted to see Europe after a free trip to a Bukowski eventin Germany. The money came out of the house. After the first "refi" it was easy. Kind of like sex. You want to do it again. Especially when they are telling you your house is worth ten times what you paid for it. It's like betting on the big six. It was a gamble. I saw Paris, Amsterdam and England. And then all of America went crazy. I knew the stock market gang was nothing but a bunch of gamblers...it takes one to know one. In their scheming mind they figured out just where some untouched money was...ah ha...it's in hard working retirement accounts. They really worked at converting those accounts to their gambling operations. Who has the money now?? A lot of IRAs are still going that way.
Maybe it not really the group therapy I miss, maybe I just wanted to tell those sad faced slot players I made it to San Francisco...maybe half transplanted...even though just yesterday, after a family upset, I had to fight with my steering wheel so it wouldn't drive to Golden Gate Fields...where, on Sunday, the hot dogs, beer and parking is only a dollar.
Now, I don't think it's just me, but everyone in the world needs a little group therapy and I might as well start it right here on VOOMAN'S VOICE. This last year has been rough, what with my numb hands, losing my home and hearth, my dogs, my lover, my dignity, my credit, almost my sanity...but it is all in your mind set. I made these hands do one more sculpture and it's a beauty.. Jack Hirschman. But I fell into a hole after it was done. Maybe I am afraid one of these sculptures is going to be my last. With all the rain, the sculpture started growing mold instead of drying. I thought for a time in was my own head growing mold. It's starting to dry now. I feel better...but all these earthquakes and people in so much misery has not made me happy. I dream last night that a giant wave had me and these houses right in front of the zoo tumbling out to sea. With my dream is could come true or just be my tumbling fears. I can't stop myself from finding out what is going on it the world. Let's face it the world sucks, America suck, our government sucks, the weather sucks "Humanity you never had it from the beginning"...as Bukowski said it.
The other night I fell into the lips of a man. It was easy and good is good, other than, I know it's the wrong man...but maybe their never was a right man or never can be a right man. Maybe that is one of the fantasies that we like to believe. Maybe marriage is a false institution that millions of people are captured in like prison when they are really wanting someone else, or sometwo or somethree else. Maybe my singleness is primo and I don't know it.
If anyone would like to join Vooman's Voice Group Therapy...men are welcome, I would be happy for all intelligent, wise or humorous voices that might make me believe there is still hope, happiness and humor out there...jump in and say your say. Scream your scream. Let us commiserate together. If you have a blog...a blogspot address. How can I go on living a blogless life. My sister, who is a mathathon blogger, is outrunning me everyday. My muscles are limp. Help!!! HELP!!!
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I am the sister blogger you talk about who used to write journals and would throw them away without anybody reading them when the spiral notebook was full. So I think blogging is better even if you do not always get comments, still somebody could read on line if they took a notion. I have a neo-counter that keeps track of the invisible tracks of readers even from far away countries across the world to my blog. If no one comments I find the numbers hard to believe, but they are comforting. So that is the reward of blogging almost every day. You won't see so much action unless you blog a little more often, but every day you write is a start. Better than going to the track and gambling you can tell yourself. I just ate a hunk of cheese. I ask myself why did I even carry that much cheese to my table instead of cutting off a smaller piece. Food is my biggest temptation that I know might fill my arteries and shorten my life. I resolve to try again tomorrow to banish cheese from my lips. I think can I even be trusted to keep cheese in the house? So our dialogues with ourselves are often a good deal alike concerning out addictions.
ReplyDeleteAfter our conversation on the phone about spell check I see there is a misspelled word or two, so don't know if you used spell check. Oh you used loose instead of lose, a common error that spell check might not pick up since it does not know enough to check your intent and detect you used the wrong word.
Other than that, an interesting blog with your usual frankness when discussing the particulars of your misspent hours at the gambling dens in off track betting. I did not gamble, never had a teacher like Bukowski who believed that going to the track was not a bad way to spend the afternoon. Father also loved the track and undoubtedly gambled some.
By the way Ray Ramono's new sit com features him as a big gambler with the bookies, large sums instead of small. He must know something about that. I have been watching it and thought of you. It's on cable.
Hey, my suggestion is to find always more of what you love and makes you inside happy. You gamble to have more money..hoping to hit the jackpot, to be rich..and what sounds better when you are down and out? Except more often than not, you are poorer for the effort. What will make you richer for the effort? Feel good about the effort? I decided long ago that it is my job to make myself happy, no one else can. So what do I want to do? Trouble with marriage is that you expect them to make you happy and they expect you to make them the same and that just does not work, either way. You just have to find "IT" yourself. My hubby complains that I don't pay enough attention to him, but what does that do? Nothing, as he is not happy within, so...
ReplyDeleteIs it the racing horses that you love?
Is it the light-hearted atmosphere?
Is it the 'freedom' to do what you want?
When you leave the track, are you happy?
or does it depend on wins and losses?
Could you go, not bet on a single race, and leave satisfied?
Where does your happiness lie?
Your losses overcame you, so now you can rise from the dust and love who you are!
No one else can do that for you.
Isn't that a great challenge? GO!
It is the winning...ofcourse. Nobody goes home happy from the track when they lose. I think I like the mind process of trying to figure out when is the best horse. You feel like you might have some control of it. Last Saturday a trifect paid $10,000. The winning horse a 50 to one shot. (I only read this in the paper. I wasn't there.)
ReplyDeleteI think "group therapy" is helpful no matter where you find that "group." So I will join your group as well. This blogging is interesting because you don't know who is looking. I had a friend say she was disappointed when she got on the computer and I didn't have a new entry on my blog. I was surprised that someone besides one of my aunts was actually reading my blog. So keep trying to find those things that fulfill you but don't steal it all away. I hope you will always find it in your art because I love your art.
ReplyDeleteWell Linda, the obvious answer to your life is doing something that no matter what happens is still fun. It's like tending kids, which can be exhausting, but when they go home you still get a kick out of something they say, something they do, something that happened and you feel very satisfied with the job or visit.
ReplyDeleteHow often have you won a trifect? When you paint a picture...it is there and can give you pleasure for the work done. It never diminishes, your talent does not go away..there is no low. Think about it and you won't miss gambling! A good loss can give you a knock on the head. A sculpture would have to fall on your head! I'm no group therapy gaarooo (sp), but fun is always fun.
Yep, that's an interesting idea. I
ReplyDeleteve always thought friends and family had to play therapist for each other. It is much cheaper than the professionals, and can sometimes be very humorous and therefore great fun. My friend Sonney and I write silly e-mails to each other and sometimes get on a real roll and laugh a lot. We think hard about an extra funny reply and can get down right creative. I miss the times in between when we have exhausted a subject and have to wait until something else occurs to one of us.Your blog was entertaining. I have visions of it getting better and better just like your art has done.